The Crying Game

Hello you beautiful world!

This last year has put me through a wonderful and relentless rollercoaster of emotions. I’ve had build ups and break downs in relationships; saw a personally undiscovered part of Europe; been in and out of touch with myself as a person, a performer and a character; had a lot of success in a very short period; made some incredible friends and family; had a phenomenal amount of fun and spent more money than I own. I am thankful for the year that I have had for the opportunities with experimenting with parts of me that are still worth exploring, and for the love and support from all who have encouraged me and given me critical analysis of my craft and my personal behaviour. Most of all I am thankful to myself for realising that the true healer is time, patience and perseverance.

Over the last few weeks, I have felt an overwhelming change in my perception of where I place myself in this world. I have been through quite a few dark moments, reliving moments in my life I never wanted to see again, but was able to have a forgiving and objective rationale throughout in order to reassess coping mechanisms and self-destructive behaviours. Although I still wouldn’t say I am out of this difficult phase, taking time for me and being gentle to my soul is beneficial for the journey to my own personal acceptance.

I’ve realised that in the last year I have been working on overdrive, something I’ve always enjoyed doing as it gives me no time to feel lazy. I’ve let aspects of my career takeover my life in order for me to not allow myself the pain I am going through, which has sometimes manifested in aliments, arguments or antisocial behaviour. I’ve said the things I know others would want me to say, in order to continue on in this manner and I’ve not held the hands of people reaching out to me. For too long now I have been out of touch with my emotions, thinking crying and talking about the past is weak and drains the people close to me. I’m beginning to realise I’ve put too much pressure on myself and have got to find a proficient release which doesn’t make me feel like a burden. My close friends have told me I need to go to therapy, and I feel the same way too. I’m just scared to delve back into parts of my life I thought I’d already dealt with.

Balancing ones life isn’t just about eating the right food, or taking regular exercise. It  shouldn’t be just thinking about the physical properties of ones bodies within a space. I’m feeling a strong cry from my soul yearning for a spiritual awakening, but is being blocked by the emotional bricks I’ve piled on top of it. I want to apologise to myself being so brave. But now it’s time to be braver and open the floodgate. Life is about discovery, and there is a pool I’m missing out on from inside.

‘Beauty isn’t in the eye of the beholder. It’s in everything.’