Every cloud has a silver lining...mine doesn't...It has a velvet rainbow lining. Glittery.

What a week. It's nice to start feeling the benefit of why I left. Stability is such a misunderstood word. We think it's having a stable job, a stable relationship, a healthy social life and enough money to be able to do the things you want to do. We are forced to believe we must be 'mentally' stable. Nothing must ever be of kilter.

If I wanted to be in a stable something, I would have been a horse.
It's been a turbulent week to say the least. I've made silly decisions, drunk to much of the good stuff, been an opportunist, been at the right place at the right time and met some lovely people. I've laughed, I've cried, I've drank, I've suffered, I've walked and talked, wined and dined, been on highs and lows and slept too little and far to much.

Although it's severely lonely in Lodon, I've never felt so safe. I'm reaising things  I wouldn't have if I stayed where I was. I know I have a long way to go, but right now, I'm discovering the difference between dependence and independence. The difference is there is none. Only interdependence. I can feel lonely and push people away when I want to be self destructive, and I can also call on people when i need to be picked up. The self destruction is a bugger. I've managed to stay relatively afloat by not running myself into the ground yet. You maybe thinking 'But it's only been a week'. With me, my life can be better than pie and I can be singing 'I feel pretty' and with in moments i can be humming the tune to 'On my own', barely getting the notes out due to the floods of tears I'm forcing out. I'm like a prostitutes pair of knickers. Up and down all the time.

I went for a walk after my interview today. Not because I needed 'me' time, or to think things through, but because I can. And that felt nice. That I can now do things if I want to, and the only thing that holds me back is me being a negative hag. I walked past some mansions. And for the first time I felt that wasn't unobtainable. I didn't feel intimidated with something that was worth more than what I will earn in my lifetime. I wasn't scared because I sat there thinking if I want it, I will get it. And if I want it hard eough I will work for it. I didn't philosophise. Or ponder. Or doubt. And I still don't. I only wanted them houses because they were pretty. They reminded me of when I was a child. I used to have Polly Pockets before the time I understood what 'being thatway inclined' meant. And I loved playing with them. And I remembered how I couldn't just settle for one. I had to have a whole town. I didn't pester my family for them, but they kept buying me them because they knew I liked them. It was the same with lego. It was the same with them shiity 'shag bands' we had as kids (which when broke, you had to shag the person that broke them...I was 10, and didn't have a clue what that meant and luckily I never found out until later in life). But I was like that with fabric and art equipment in my teenage years. Then it was female clothes and make-up, and props, until I had no space in my room and it seeped into the hall way. Lets face it. I have an addictive personality.

But I didn't look at the houses and think 'I want that house and that one, and I want a car and a partner and a good social class, but it is all unobtainable because I will never earn enough, I'm not good at what I do, that class would never accept me..etc, etc'. I stood there and didn't doubt myself. Or idealise. I felt rational, and dare I say, realistic.

It could be because I had an interview for a job today, and I got the job. So naturally I was in a good mood. It pays really well and I think it may be a job that will help me better 'myself'. I'll be leaning about speaking to new people and jumping in head first, being rejected and not taking it too personal and learning that doing well gives bonus's. All things I was learning at drama school and would have got a lot out of if I stayed, but resenting staying there was preventing me to allow myself to be in a safe environment to do that. (In no way am I putting down drama school, I'm just not ready for it yet)

So now, I am going back to my pint of spitfire. Because I am a real man. None of that red wine shit. (On the contrary I had a lovely glass of mulled wine at the Lockside Lounge -plug plug plug....and glug glug glug)

Don't forget to repost this blog, make it widely known on the  world web, and then they can make a book and a film out of me like they did with Julie & Julia. And I want Streep playing me. Or Mirren.